Year Five: "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" (2007), Running Time: 2:18
2:55pm: Year five opens with Dudley (looking juiced up) and some bullies pushing Harry around. Harry looks muscled up too. Director David Yates takes the helm on this one but, unlike your average defense against the dark arts teacher, stayed on through the entire second half of the series.
3:01pm: Worth noting that at the time of its release, "Order of the Phoenix" was commonly abbreviated as "HPOOP." Draw from this what you will.
3:02pm: Harry saves Dudley from Dementors but, due to his unauthorized use of magic, is promptly expelled from Hogwarts. The Dursleys, not surprisingly, are ecstatic and ungrateful.
3:07pm: Our first look at 12 Grimmauld Place and Sirius Black, back in the flesh. Also the fabulously hateful Kreacher.
3:08pm: Hair check. Watson's is a lighter shade than before, but both Grint's and Radcliffe's are shorter than in "Goblet." Grint also looks to have added some real muscle.
3:09pm: Most importantly, the setup set forth in movies 1-4 now begins to play out in the good vs evil plot that carries us through the end of the series. Pick a side, people. I choose evil!
3:13pm: Our first look at the Ministry of Magic. It has an interesting, Orwellian quality to it. We'll be here again later on. If only the "Potter" theme park in Florida were like this.
3:17pm: Minister Fudge is so mean!
3:18pm: Speaking of mean, there's Delores Umbridge.
3:23pm: Harry arrives at Hogwarts to a frosty reception from pretty much everyone except Ron & Hermione. What makes book #5 super, I think, is the long, drawn-out isolation Harry feels while constantly being battered by Snape in their ongoing Occlumency lessons. Regrettably, the movie has too much core plot business to do, so all that is cut short. Yates makes up for it by letting "Deathly Hallows, Part 1" play out slowly and properly.
3:25pm: Luna Lovegood first appearance!
3:26pm: New defense against the dark arts teacher: Professor Umbridge. Good luck, Delores.
3:27pm: Third caffeinated beverage. I can't tell you what it is, but it's a popular soft drink with a polar bear on the label. Popcorn has also now mysteriously Apparated.
3:31pm: Umbridge tries to teach. I bet she would enjoy funny cat videos on the internet, if the Wizarding World had such a thing. Or crafts on Etsy.
3:33pm: Harry has to do those horrible lines as every quill movement is also scratched into his hand. While it's gut-wrenching to watch (or read), it's the quintessential window onto Harry's isolation and suffering.
3:34pm: Also, why would they make a quill that also scratches itself into his hand?!
3:35pm: First appearance of Fred & George's side business selling jokes and pranks, soon to be known as Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes.
3:37pm: Harry writes Padfoot a letter and we hear his words in voice-over. First use of voice-over in the series, I think. Yates, you devil. Call me a liar.
3:41pm: Hello again, Ginny Weasley. Welcome back to plot relevance.
3:42pm: "Delores Umbridge, High Inquisitor." If only Mel Brooks had gotten a hold of that one.
3:45pm: Umbridge sacks Trelawney. Guess she didn't see that one coming. Ironic.
3:50pm: A dark and stormy night punctuates the formation of Dumbledore's Army. Oooh and Cho Chang is there.
3:53pm: Room of Requirement appears. I know I could use one of these in my apartment.
3:57pm: Neville Longbottom practicing the Disarming Charm is sort of like me in a yoga class: The instructor is patient and helpful, but we hopelessly suck at it anyway.
3:59pm: Umbridge's notices pile up on the walls. I really appreciate how they look oldey timey, like a soft drink ad from 1908. No moving pictures here. Charmingly out of place.
4:01pm: Getting up close and personal with Cho. I see a snog comin' on.
4:05pm: Occlumency lesson! Yes! Snape rules!
4:10pm: As the House of Black has a family moment, preparation for magical dinner (spicy chicken wings, homemade) begins at the House of Goldner.
4:15pm: Never mind the chicken wings, it's the incomparable Helena Bonham-Carter (HBC to her friends) as Bellatrix Lestrange!
4:20pm: Overheard from the kitchen, Dumbledore escapes the clutches of the Ministry when Fawkes swoops in and he Disapparates. Shacklebolt gets the last word "You can't deny, Dumbledore's got style."
4:28pm: Occlumency lesson #2 and Harry turns the tables on Snape, exposing more of his back-story with James Potter. All that aside, he really could be less of a jerk to Harry.
4:33pm: Fred and George go out with a loud, colorful bang, setting the OWL exam room alight. A dragon made of fireworks chases down Umbridge but instead of using magic to defend herself, she just runs away. If it's my movie, she tries and fails to use a spell.
4:37pm: Hermione manipulates Umbridge into going into the woods. Some Centaurs and one Giant later, she's in trouble. As the Centaurs, known in mythology for their libidos, carry her off one cannot help but think what they might do to her. Bye Delores.
4:445pm: As I accidentally burn my chicken, the prophecy is revealed. Neither can live while the other survives. Same could be said of my dinner.
4:47pm: Battle over the prophecy ensues at the Ministry between the students and the Death Eaters. Is it just me or does every large room in the Wizarding World get destroyed or set on fire by these kids?
4:50pm: Sirius and the Order show up to defend the kids. Sirius stars the final battle with an actual punch, which is out of the ordinary. With all this spell-casting, they should really be careful of the mystical dimensional gateway in the middle of the room. Wouldn't want someone to fall through it and be lost forever.
4:52pm: Bellatrix hits Sirius with a killing curse and he floats away into the dimensional gateway. See, Professor Trelawney, THAT'S A PREDICTION!!
4:57pm: Final battle over, team Phoenix wins but with a heavy cost. Leaves me longing for more Ralph Fiennes. Two hours of wait for ten minutes of him. Worth it, though, as he hisses his final line of the movie. "You will lose ... everything."
5:00pm: As Harry leaves school -- wearing a blazer?? -- your regular Movies Blog editor, Josh Wigler checks in on me. "I can't believe you're still alive" he says. I reply, "Sure, if you call this living. Only three more!" It's true. Five down, three to go. On to Year Six!>>