Contrary to popular belief, movie adaptations of popular video games haven’t been that terrible. “Double Dragon” wasn’t that great, but the rest? Yes, “Super Mario Bros.” was weird as hell, but look at the source material! Dennis Hopper ruling over a dystopian city by turning people into mushrooms isn’t a that much stranger than an 8-bit Italian plumber growing a raccoon tail and using it to fly. The “Street Fighter” movie –- the first one at least -– is one of cinema’s greatest works of camp. Fifty years from now, people will throw Uwe Boll festivals. He is our new Ed Wood. “Doom” had guns and those guns were used on monsters. “Hitman” let us see Olga Kurlyenko naked. See? It hasn’t been all that bad!
No, the problem is when movies treat video games as their subject, not their inspiration. For thirty years straight, filmmakers have never quite figured out how to film people actually playing video games properly. In fairness, before the Wii happened along, playing games wasn’t actually an interesting action to watch. A few folks have gotten it right. Look at the immortal “NHL ‘95” scene in “Swingers”. Based on the previews I’ve seen, “Gamer” has something going for it as well. Controlling a person would probably involve using your whole body, so yeah, accurate.
These movies got it wrong.
"Grandma’s Boy"
For all the flack this movie gets, it’s actually pretty funny. Kevin Nealon as a neo-hippie CEO of a video game design studio is funny. This is not a point that can be argued. The actual game parts are a little hard to swallow. The dude playing the lead character did not make that game he said he made by himself. That game is real and it is called “Predator: Concrete Jungle”. At the end of the movie, when the old lady from “Everybody Loves Raymond” is having some kind of face off with some nerd? That is impossible. There is no multiplayer in that game. You sicken me, “Grandma’s Boy.”
"Children of Men"
What, you don’t remember the scene with video games from “Children of Men”? It was all about the horrible end of mankind’s innocence, both literally and metaphorically? Pfft, dunno what movie you were watching. Clive Owen has dinner with some twenty-something who is clearly playing a one-handed portable game console. He’s playing a weird puzzle game that looks like “Tetris.” Said twenty-something’s father is annoyed because the kid appears to be brain-dead, he’s paying attention to “One-Hand Tetris” so much. Well, you know what Alfonso Cuaron? Playing “Tetris” does not require that much attention. You are insane. Still, pretty neat device that guy has.
"The 40 Year-Old Virgin"
I love this scene. Paul Rudd and Seth Rogen’s dialog while playing “Mortal Kombat” against one another hits pretty close to home for me. I too have questioned a friend’s masculinity based on their ability to throw digital punches. But seriously, they aren’t even playing. One of them is using a chair that has joysticks coming out of it to make his character do moves. That doesn’t even make sense. You should be ashamed of yourself, Judd Apatow. That is just lazy.
"The Last Starfighter"
I want you to think about this for a second. If a killer spaceship had controls as simple as those on an arcade machine from 1984, would you go to war in it? Hell, would you even get in it? S--t no! Where’s the life support? What if you need to eject? What if you need to adjust your seat? This entire movie functions on the logic that a teenager can pilot a warship made by another species using only a joystick and a single button. That’s retarded. Know what else is retarded? That it needs two pilots. Know what’s even more retarded? That its special weapon is called the “death blossom.” Sounds like a sixth grader’s euphemism for farts. I hate you, “The Last Starfighter.”
"The Wizard"
You know, I swore I was going to get through this without mentioning “The Wizard,” but it’s impossible. I don’t even know where to start with this atrocity. Even in its throwaway expository scenes, it's atrocious. Why does Beau Bridges look like he’s having an epileptic fit when he’s using an NES controller? Why is getting 50,000 points impressive in “Double Dragon”? These aren’t the worst offenders. No, the worst is implying that it’s actually possible to play “Rad Racer” using the Power Glove. No. Absolutely not. And why are those kids playing games on a TV on someone’s porch? What if it rains? You people watching this at midnight screenings for nostalgic kicks are insane. “The Wizard” makes my brain hurt.
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