Four years back, the nerd gods of film decreed that 3-D was going to be the next big movie craze. George Lucas, Jim Cameron, Peter Jackson, hell, even Randall Kleiser (the dude who directed “Grease”, who may or may not be a nerd) showed off digital 3D footage at ShoWest 2005 and declared that having movies look like they’re throwing stuff at you was The Future. Everyone else said whatever, assuring themselves that “Spy Kids 3-D” was the first and last time they’d put on a set of ridiculous glasses at the theater for the duration of the 21st century.
How wrong we were. Damn near every major motion picture is presented in the third-dimension these days. Everything from family friendly fare like “Up” to grisly thrills like “My Bloody Valentine,” the nerds were right; having movies appear to throw things at you is very heart of the entertainment zeitgeist. Movie makers seem to be inspired by the tech too, both literally (in that they’re making new stuff) and metaphorically (in that they seem to be making a fair number of part threes in old franchises). Pixar’s dusting off Tim Allen to make “Toy Story 3” and the Weinstein Co. is already working on “Halloween 3D” for next summer. It’s easy branding and titling, cooking up a part three that requires funky glasses.
For any studio out there reading, here are five guaranteed hits prepared for three-dimensionalization.
Come on, you’re already making it! It will not take that much more effort to make the audience feel like they, in addition to an aged Bill Murray, are getting covered in viscous, green goo. The original movie’s style of big scares are well-suited to 3-D. Think back to the library ghost changing into a freaky monster after Ray Stantz tries to grab her in an ungentlemanly fashion. If that was coming out of the screen, I’d run out of the New York Public Library screaming too.
It’s a crime against humanity that a freaking British commercial is the closest we’ve ever gotten to “Gremlins 3”. It’s also criminal the way some filmmakers have used 3-D technology. One day, you will pay for making people see a three-dimensional, nude Anthony Hopkins in “Beowulf,” Zemeckis. Just you wait. “Gremlins 3-D” would right other wrongs. Picture this: Billy is enjoying his second decade of gremlins-free chillin’ with Gizmo and Phoebe Cates. Then Gizmo accidentally falls into the ocean and the resulting seas of moist mogwai proceed to eat seafood after midnight in every timezone on earth. In 3-D. That’s right. Move over zombies... it's a Gremlin apocalypse!
"Iron Man 3-D"
Yeah, I hear you. They haven’t even finished the second one yet, and you’re asking for a third with crazy special effects. Indeed I am. Hell, there's already talk that it might happen! Iron Man rules and “Iron Man 3-D” will rule for the following three reasons:
1) Repulsor blasts coming out of the screen will be both thrilling and rad.
2) Robert Downey Jr.’s goatee will be even cooler when it appears to be tangible.
3) It will be the closest I ever come to actually touching red-headed Gwyneth Paltrow.
Whenever I start fantasizing about movies I’d like to see in existence, I always start thinking about “Predator”. I’m pleased that Robert Rodriguez is working on the hopefully-sweet “Predators” franchise reboot, but in my mind’s eye I can see the perfect sequel. In “Predator 3,” one ugly extraterrestrial motherf--ker is on the hunt and his prey is the President of the United States. The Secret Service isn’t enough to protect our Commander-in-Chief. Only the combined powers of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Glover can kill this freedom-hating alien. The beauty of this thought actually makes me cry.
"Escape From Las Vegas... 3-D!"
On the one hand, they should really just make a 3-D version of “Escape From LA.” That way, it would look like Kurt Russell is surfing through post-apocalyptic Los Angeles directly at us. On the other hand, I require all-new Snake Pliskin adventures that take place in the ruined heart of future Las Vegas. Who needs surfing when Snake Pliskin can go hang-gliding between crumbling casinos?