Science has discovered that "if zombies actually existed, an attack by them would lead to the collapse of civilisation unless dealt with quickly and aggressively." The quote comes from the BBC, reporting on a research paper published in the book "Infectious Diseases Modeling Research Projects" (and thanks to Sci Fi Wire for pointing out this AMAZING revelation). So in case you were worried, don't. Scientists on this planet are hard at work figuring out how best to prepare for the inevitable(?) zombie plague.
I've got a few tips for them too. Scientists can be a stuffy bunch. They prefer the safety of their labs (at least for the purposes of this writeup). Needless to say, they don't get out to the movies so much. I do though, and I've seen a lot of zombie movies. Certainly enough to know which ones we should be showing young kids as a warning of what not to do when the dead rise from their graves. (note: None of these movies should actually be shown to small children)
"Dead Alive" (1992)
Peter Jackson leaves us with two important lessons in "Dead Alive," which was released in New Zealand as "Braindead." One, don't mess with Sumatran Rat-Monkeys. A bite from one of those little critters spells undeath. As we all know, one zombie begets more zombies. Perhaps more importantly, "Dead Alive" imparts the valuable lesson that zombies should not, under any circumstances, be allowed to have sex. Because zombie babies... you don't want to eff with those little bastards.
"Shaun of the Dead" (2004)
"Shaun of the Dead" is a non-stop cautionary tale megamix. The key lesson to walk away with is a relatively simple one however. When the zombie uprising goes down, it's time to put your old life aside and pour your entire focus into ending the threat. Foolish, selfish Shaun (Simon Pegg) is so caught up in his personal life that he doesn't participate in the global defense of humanity. Not smart. As for the conclusion, where zombies are integrated into society, that's what we in the business call a "Hollywood ending." Happy, sure, but things just won't work out like that in real life.
"Dead Snow" (2009)
"Dead Snow" is an imperfect film, but it provides us with an excellent -- albeit very specific -- zombie lesson. Simply, don't steal from the dead. This is a topic that's been covered in so many movies, but "Dead Snow" is recent and the undead in question are actually Nazi zombies. Which, I have to admit, is kind of cool. A group of foolish med students mess with cursed Nazi gold, and they raise hell -- literally -- as a result. Remember though: they pay the price so future generations won't have to!
"Fido" (2008)
"Fido" offers another object lesson in the dangers of trying to control a zombie outbreak as opposed to destroying it. These silly humans actually think they can domesticate the walking dead. Sure, it works for awhile. One of the brain-eating rascals even turns out to be friendly... sort of. Still, these things are ruled by a powerful instinct to consume human flesh. It's not like teaching a dog to sit or something. A zombie isn't going to learn to not eat brains. They just ain't wired that way. Don't even bother; just pull out the flamethrower and burn, baby, burn.
"Land of the Dead" (2005)
If you can't trust George A. Romero, the architect of the zombie movie, to guide you through an outbreak, then who can you trust really? No one at all it seems. The stupid humans in "Land of the Dead" offer a picture of the bleak future that awaits us if we don't strike back against the walking dead quickly and decisively. Holed up in a crumbling city -- and Pittsburgh no less -- the "wealthy" live in luxury while the more numerous impoverished struggle daily to get by, taking on the most dangerous jobs outside the relative safety of the walled safe zone. It's not so much a cautionary tale as it is a scare tactic: train up and prepare for the zombie outbreak, or this is your future!
Tags Dead Alive, dead snow, Fido, Land of the Dead, shaun of the dead
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Five Cautionary Tales For Surviving The Imminent Zombie Outbreak
Posted 8/18/09 4:30 pm EST by Adam Rosenberg in Commentary
I've got a few tips for them too. Scientists can be a stuffy bunch. They prefer the safety of their labs (at least for the purposes of this writeup). Needless to say, they don't get out to the movies so much. I do though, and I've seen a lot of zombie movies. Certainly enough to know which ones we should be showing young kids as a warning of what not to do when the dead rise from their graves. (note: None of these movies should actually be shown to small children)
"Dead Alive" (1992)
Peter Jackson leaves us with two important lessons in "Dead Alive," which was released in New Zealand as "Braindead." One, don't mess with Sumatran Rat-Monkeys. A bite from one of those little critters spells undeath. As we all know, one zombie begets more zombies. Perhaps more importantly, "Dead Alive" imparts the valuable lesson that zombies should not, under any circumstances, be allowed to have sex. Because zombie babies... you don't want to eff with those little bastards.
"Shaun of the Dead" (2004)
"Shaun of the Dead" is a non-stop cautionary tale megamix. The key lesson to walk away with is a relatively simple one however. When the zombie uprising goes down, it's time to put your old life aside and pour your entire focus into ending the threat. Foolish, selfish Shaun (Simon Pegg) is so caught up in his personal life that he doesn't participate in the global defense of humanity. Not smart. As for the conclusion, where zombies are integrated into society, that's what we in the business call a "Hollywood ending." Happy, sure, but things just won't work out like that in real life.
"Dead Snow" (2009)
"Dead Snow" is an imperfect film, but it provides us with an excellent -- albeit very specific -- zombie lesson. Simply, don't steal from the dead. This is a topic that's been covered in so many movies, but "Dead Snow" is recent and the undead in question are actually Nazi zombies. Which, I have to admit, is kind of cool. A group of foolish med students mess with cursed Nazi gold, and they raise hell -- literally -- as a result. Remember though: they pay the price so future generations won't have to!
"Fido" (2008)
"Fido" offers another object lesson in the dangers of trying to control a zombie outbreak as opposed to destroying it. These silly humans actually think they can domesticate the walking dead. Sure, it works for awhile. One of the brain-eating rascals even turns out to be friendly... sort of. Still, these things are ruled by a powerful instinct to consume human flesh. It's not like teaching a dog to sit or something. A zombie isn't going to learn to not eat brains. They just ain't wired that way. Don't even bother; just pull out the flamethrower and burn, baby, burn.
"Land of the Dead" (2005)
If you can't trust George A. Romero, the architect of the zombie movie, to guide you through an outbreak, then who can you trust really? No one at all it seems. The stupid humans in "Land of the Dead" offer a picture of the bleak future that awaits us if we don't strike back against the walking dead quickly and decisively. Holed up in a crumbling city -- and Pittsburgh no less -- the "wealthy" live in luxury while the more numerous impoverished struggle daily to get by, taking on the most dangerous jobs outside the relative safety of the walled safe zone. It's not so much a cautionary tale as it is a scare tactic: train up and prepare for the zombie outbreak, or this is your future!
Tags Dead Alive, dead snow, Fido, Land of the Dead, shaun of the dead
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