“Orphan.” Whether or not you plan on seeing this fright fest about a girl who terrorizes her newly adoptive parents, one thing is indisputable: that is one freaky lookin’ little girl. The dark, hooded eyes, the thick red ribbon bound across her neck, the do-you-feel-lucky-punk stare—this orphan named Esther is a shining example of the supreme creepitude that some pop culture children exude without saying a word.
In creepiness, if not narrative, "Orphan"'s little orphan Esther comes from a long line of hair-raising fictional youngsters. Here’s our list of the kiddies who, intentionally or not, get the chills running up and down our spines.
Vicki from “Small Wonder”: The unsettlingly cheery intro masks the horror that awaits in this half-hour ‘80s sitcom. The flesh on Vicki’s back pops open to reveal a tangle of wires, batteries, microchips and blinking lights. She’s a robot devoid of all human emotion and the show’s laughs were meant to come from Vicki being unable to comprehend the suburban world around her. Her creator/dad stored the little girl in a closet, rather than tuck her into her bed. The intro tells us, “She’s fantastic—made of plastic,” but looking back on it, “Small Wonder” feels vaguely criminal.
James Van Der Beek’s little brother from “Varsity Blues”: In the midst of this film about the pressures and passions of high school football in Texas, Van Der Beek’s little bro Kyle becomes schizophrenically addicted to trying out new religions. One minute he’s dressed as a Nation of Islam disciple, the next he’s lugging around a cross like Jesus, the next he’s indoctrinating schoolmates into his very own cult. It’s all meant for comic relief, and it often succeeds (“Kyle, did you start a cult?” “Yup.” “That is so sweet!”), but come on! Kyle is in deep need of a couple bars of children’s Xanax and a snug straightjacket. If they ever make “Varsity Blues 2,” count on a school shooting before the end of act one.
The banjo playing kid from “Deliverance”: An innocent trip into the Georgia wilderness lands some business execs in a whole world of backwoods pain. Take note: there's a double meaning there. But before this movie gets ugly, it’s gets super-weird. A silent little kid looking like some inbred alien oddball begins a banjo/guitar duel with one of the tourists. The tune rocks -- "Dueling Banjoes"! -- and the kid is a creepy musical wunderkind.
Kenny from “South Park”: You can’t understand what he says because his orange hooded parka is tied too tightly around his head. He never thinks to loosen the thing, even when indoors. Does the kid not sweat? Does he feel no pain? Of course, there's the little matter that he dies a gruesome death in almost every episode, only to be resurrected the next week. Trey Parker and Matt Stone have since moved on from their Kill Kenny mandate, but the little guy still can’t articulate a sentence and every once in a while suffers through a nasty case of something fatal.
Haley Joel Osment from “Secondhand Lions”: Osment practically owned the creepy child genre in Hollywood. There was his dead people-seeing kid in “The Sixth Sense” and his unblinking adopted child/android in “A.I. Artificial Intelligence.” Osment’s eeriest performance came in 2002’s “Lions”: on the cusp of maturity but still saddled with a squeaky voice, forced to slog through a deeply silly script, he came off as some sort of awkward facsimile of himself. The few folks who made the trip to the theater surely left thinking, “Wait, was that the kid who could see the dead people? What happened to him?!”
Who do you think is the creepiest pop culture child of all time?
Comments