by John Constantine
Dan Brown's "Angels & Demons" is a gripping tale in which a Harvard professor works to derail an Illuminati plot to blow up the Vatican. No problems with that, right Pope? Not blowing up is a good thing, even if Professor Langdon (Tom Hanks) wants to fling open some of your more skeleton-filled closets in the process!
Well... no. That's actually sort of a big problem, the whole hidden secrets being brought to light angle. Enough of a problem to have earned the film adaptation of "Angels" an official ban from the highest church. Which isn't to say that this is the only example out there of blasphemous filmmaking. Check out these Hell-bound gems of the silver screen.
"Bruce Almighty"/"Evan Almighty"
If there’s one thing the Vatican hates, it’s imitators. "Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image" and all that jazz. The Pope is God’s mouthpiece on earth, no one else. Even though "Bruce" and "Evan Almighty" stay semi-faithful to church dogma and lore, the fact that the good Lord himself would take human form, speak to a non-believer, and give them temporary omnipotence and super beard-growing powers is way out of line. Priests might secretly dream of having the lord make Jennifer Aniston’s breasts bigger, but they would never, ever cop to it out loud. As friendly as Morgan Freeman’s God is, don’t forget: God only takes the shape of a man twice, and both times he’s his own son.
"The Bishop’s Wife"
You’d think that "Jingle All the Way" or "Home Alone" would be at the top of the Vatican’s Christmas movie hit list, but the biggest silver screen offender to Catholicism has got to be 1947’s "The Bishop’s Wife". Where do I start? How about the Bishop Henry Brougham (David Niven), who is nigh-on Tower of Babel-obsessed with making a cathedral? Or his wife Julia (Loretta Young), who’s more interested in having her man pay attention to her than letting him glorify the lord? Nah. These are minor offenses. The big issue is having sexy man’s man Cary Grant play an angel named Dudley. God sends the Dud-meister to get Bishop Brougham back on the road to Damascus but what does he go and do instead? He falls in love with the titular wife. Arrogant men of the cloth and angels tempted by flesh? True or not, the Vatican would rather you not hear about such things.
"Ghostbusters"
If the Vatican has problems with Professor Robert Langdon, imagine how they feel about Venkman, Stantz, Zeddemore, and Spengler (Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, Ernie Hudson and Harold Ramis, respectively). These four guys, just by the nature of their profession, do a whole lot more to damage the Church’s cred than some nosy conspiracy sleuth ever could. The Ghosbusters catch ghosts. This means that either God has absolutely no control over supernatural entities and lost souls or -- and this is a doozy -- there is no God! The world of the supernatural is one ruled by a veritable pantheon of vicious deities, unrestrained by any omnipotent governing force. The only way to stop them from destroying the physical world is by utilizing the power of science, not prayer. Oh, and only one of the Ghostbusters even believes in God. That really has to cheese the Pope off, eh?
"Dogma"
Kevin Smith’s fantasy romp about Jesus’ last descendant trying to stop two fallen angels from re-entering Heaven is the only entry on our list known for causing uproar in the Catholic community. The Vatican itself never condemned Silent Bob’s lighthearted tale, but the Catholic League picked up the slack for them by calling the movie "anti-Catholic." They caused such an uproar that the film’s release was actually delayed a full year. Even if they didn’t get in on any protests, the Vatican couldn’t have been too happy about God being played by a woman -- and the ever-quirky Alanis Morissette, no less -- or about having it pointed out, numerous times and in great detail, that there are countless loopholes in dogmatic law.
"Philadelphia"
"Angels & Demons’" leading man Tom Hanks was a popular actor before 1993, but it was his performance as Andrew Beckett in "Philadelphia" that netted him his first Academy Award, for Best Actor. If the Vatican had any sway over the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, they probably would have struck "Philadelphia" from the awards wholesale. The Catholic Church preaches tolerance but openly condemns homosexuality. Their policy is that it’s okay to be gay but actually having gay sex is morally wrong in the eyes of the Church, and therefore, God. Very compassionate. The other strike against Philadelphia, considering it revolves around a man dying of AIDS, is that it implicitly advocates condom use. According to Pope Benedict XVI, condom distribution will fuel the spread of AIDS. Right.
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