Are you wondering if the new “Friday the 13th” has more or less drugs, sex and killing than the original films? Are you wondering if any of the kills in the new flick can even break into Jason’s Top 10? Yeah, well so was I – the only difference is, I’m the type of guy who sits down and watches all twelve Jason movies in 6 days, just to get to the bottom of such questions.
And while I was watching 183 people get stabbed, shot and sliced up, I couldn’t help but notice certain things about Jason – things that could have saved valuable, fictional lives! So now, in the interest of humanity, I humbly present my observations on How to Survive a Jason Attack:
DON’T offer Jason stuff - Professor Lowe (“Jason X”) attempted to buy the killer off: “Fame, money, you can have it all.” And then he gets killed immediately. The same is true for the late Lizabeth (“Part VI”) who tried to give Jason two twenties and an AmEx.
DO practice safe sex - In the ninth film, Lou’s girlfriend permits his none-too-subtle request (“Oh Debbie, I hate these things!”) and tosses aside a condom mere moments before they get it on in a tent. Her reward? Getting sliced in half from the waist up, mid-coitus.
DO use a fellow victim as a human shield – Morally reprehensible? Sure! But if all else fails, grab a nearby woman and place her between you and Jason. That move earned Dr. Kiser (“Part VII”) several extra minutes of life. Then Jason caught up to him, and unfortunately there were no more women nearby.
DON’T stand out in the open – For a one-eyed killer whose mask impairs his peripheral vision, Jason has great aim! From throwing a knife into the head of Officer Thornton (“VI”) to the harpoon in the eye of Vera (“Part III”) to his bow-and-arrow skills on display in the new film, this guy has better sharp-shooting skills than Barry Pepper in “Saving Private Ryan.”
DO electrocute Jason - If you happen to have telekinetic powers like Melissa from “Part VII,” congratulations! You should promptly make some tree roots come alive, knock Jason into a dirty puddle, and then summon a power line from the poles above. Electrocuting Jason knocked him out for a whopping 37 seconds.
DO be a child - From Corey Feldman to Reggie the Reckless to all those kid counselors in “Part VI,” Jason never kills kids. After twelve movies, that point is obvious. His stance on tweens, however, is a bit foggy.
DON’T stab dead Jason with an iron rod and then leave it inside him – What are you, stupid? If Jason is dead, leave him alone! Sticking an iron rod in his chest, naturally, just invites a life-giving bolt of lightning to come out of the sky and bring him back to life!
DO hit Jason head-on with a tractor trailer – When they did that in “Part VI,” it knocked Jason out for an entire 54 seconds! It even beats shooting Jason point blank in the chest with a shotgun – which only earned Sheriff Garris a mere 34 seconds of peace.
DON’T have a stupid actor name – When we’re watching the opening credits of a “Friday the 13th” film, we already know some actors will die. Rusty Schwimmer? Sonny Shields? Martin Cummins? Roger Rose? What are we, filming a porno over here?
DO manipulate yourself to look like Jason and/or his mother – It worked for Corey Feldman in “Part IV,” Ginny at the end of “Part II,” and Amanda Righetti in the new film. True, Jason usually snaps out of his deer-in-headlights confusion after a few seconds of confusion. But if it’d give me time to run away, I’d happily slip into Mrs. Vorhees’ blood-soaked sweater too!
Where do you think the new “Friday the 13th” movie ranks among the franchise? Give us your thoughts!
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