Pop the bubbly and prepare to watch HBO win every dang "miniseries" category because The Golden Globes are back! After last year's SAG-strike-press-conference-debacle, the glitz and glamour (and drunken celebrities) are set to honor the best in movies and television, and I cannot wait to dissect every awkward TelePrompTer read, every self-involved acceptance speech and every hilarious audience cutaway reaction shot. Oh, and I guess I'll talk about who wins, too.
Who will be this year's Liz Taylor? Will "Slumdog Millionaire" top Brad Pitt as a pepaw? What on earth is Mickey Rourke going to wear? (Heck, what on earth is Mickey Rourke going to do??) All these questions and more will be answered as we watch tonight's Golden Globes together. Let's do this thing!
7:58 pm: This is my first time watching an awards show in HD. This is going to be enlightening!
7:59 pm: Okay, I just switched over from E! and Tiki Barber is co-hosting the NBC Golden Globes red carpet special? I wonder if that means Billy Bush will one day report from the sidelines of the Super Bowl.
8:01 pm: J. Lo just referred to herself as "mama" while presenting Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture. Expect a "J. LO CONFIRMS PREGNANCY" headline on this week's issue of InTouch.
8:04 pm: Congratulations Kate Winslet! Amongst the 900 people she's thanking, she shouted out the makeup team for making her look so "old" in the film. I wonder if Clint Eastwood's makeup team has their fingers crossed.
8:07 pm: Sting alert! He put down the lute and put on a pirate's outfit. Arrrgh!
8:09 pm: Bruce Springsteen just beat Miley Cyrus and Clint Eastwood for "Best Original Song." Miley may be a teen queen, but nobody can top The Boss.
8:10 pm: The Boss looks very tan. Darren Aronofsky does not.
8:12 pm: Whew, they waste no time, do they? Okay, let's play some catch up. Best moment of the day so far: watching Ryan Seacrest get snubbed (badly!) by Brangelina on the red carpet.
8:15 pm: Mark my words. A year from now we will NOT see "He's Just Not Into You" nominated for a Golden Globe.
8:16 pm: A cameraman accidentally turned the aperture all the way down while Eva Longoria Parker and Simon Baker were introducing Rumor Willis. I think step-dad Ashton is pulling a prank on us!
8:17 pm: Tom Wilkinson wins Best Supporting Actor in a TV Show/Miniseries for "John Adams," and inexplicably the Hollywood Foreign Press placed the "John Adams" dinner table way in the back. Haven't they watched the Golden Globes before? HBO Miniseries always win!
8:18 pm: Why is Renee Zellweger dressed like a 90 year old?
8:19 pm: And now for the Best Supporting Actress on the small screen: Laura Dern as Katherine Harris. She just thanked her makeup artist, too! It's a good night to blot.
8:22 pm: I wonder if she'll thank a velociraptor.
8:22 pm: Nope, just all the people who demanded a recount in 2000. Clint Eastwood must be pissed. Ditto for the velociraptors.
8:26 pm: Wow. Don Cheadle. From "Hotel Rwanda" to "Hotel For Dogs." I am now depressed.
8:27 pm: As the celebrities introduce all the nominees for Best Picture throughout the night, I'll give you suggestions for what to serve at your Oscar party in case these flicks get a big O nod. First up: "Burn After Reading." Easy. Energy bars. Or lukewarm, mushy cereal. (Sorry Coen Brothers! I wasn't feeling your latest...)
8:29 pm: Zac Efron looks like he dipped his head in the Exxon Valdez before walking on stage.
8:30 pm: Ewww, if Dexter wins Best Actor in a Drama TV Series, he's going to kiss his sister on the mouth, and that's going to gross me out. (They're dating in real life.) [Ed: Actually, they got hitched New Year's Eve.]
8:30 pm: Gabriel Byrne wins, and Zac Efron's lifelong dream to hang out with Friedrich Bhaer from "Little Women" is thwarted.
8:32 pm: Anna Paquin wins for Best Actress in a Drama TV Series! I wonder if she'll thank the ducklings from "Far Away Home?" (As MTV.COM user mizmarilyn pointed out in the comments, the movie is actually called "FLY Away home." Good catch! And I call myself a Jeff Daniels fan. Sheesh!)
8:34 pm: To prepare for her role in the HBO movie "Grey Gardens," Drew Barrymore decided to dress up like a crazy old bat.
8:37 pm: Ricky Gervais alert! And he's holding a drink! This is going to be awesome.
8:38 pm: "The trouble with Holocaust movies is you never see any gag reels on the DVD." My friend Adam wrote that joke 8 years ago. (And now he's writing for my new show "MTV Detox," premiering tomorrow night on MTV.COM @ 11pm. Shameless plug!!)
8:39 pm: Next nominee for Best Picture - Musical or Comedy: "Happy-Go-Lucky." How about serving a Happy Meal? Except call the french fries "chips" instead.
8:40 pm: THE JONAS BROTHERS!!!!! And they just cut to Miley and Billy Ray. I heart the director of this telecast.
8:41 pm: "Wall-E" wins Best Animated Feature, and the director just said "Peter Gabriel always rocks."
8:43 pm: Johnny Depp showed up to make the crowd go wild. I haven't seen Tom Hanks get that excited since the History Channel had "WWII Week."
8:44 pm: Did Meryl Streep just roll her eyes when her name was announced? You know what? If I was nominated for singing badly in an inexplicably popular movie, I would roll my eyes, too.
8:45 pm: Sally Hawkins just won. My mother is going to call my cell phone and ask me who she is in t-minus 5, 4, 3, 2...
8:46 pm: Sally Hawkins is going to projectile vomit all over the crowd in t-minus 5, 4, 3, 2...
8:47 pm: For starring in a movie called "Happy-Go-Lucky," Sally Hawkins seems quite miserable. On a positive note, she just defined the word "verklempt" to all of middle America.
8:48 pm: Fun fact: Tom Cruise is shaking a lot of hands every time they go to commercial. I think he's hungry for work. "I updated my resume. It now says 'Can Wear Eyepatch' under 'Special Talents.'"
8:50 pm: Going back to Sally Hawkins for a second. I am 99% sure that she is really PJ Harvey. Thoughts?
8:51 pm: I am also 99% sure that we will not see "Confessions of a Shopaholic" nominated for a Golden Globe next year.
8:53 pm: Jake Gyllenhaal presents "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button." Perfect cuisine for that flick: aged cheese and fortune cookies.
8:54 pm: Does it creep anyone else out that Brad Pitt had to flirt with a 7 year old actress while filming "Benjamin Button?"
8:56 pm: Correction: Drew Barrymore is dressed exactly like Susan Sarandon in "Bernard and Doris."
8:57 pm: "John Adams" won Best Miniseries. Duh. Points to Paul Giamatti for keeping his John Adams muttonchops all this time.
8:58 pm: Demi Moore looks amazing in HD. And she's telling her daughter Rumor not to hunch. Maybe she should extend some motherly advice to her husband and tell Ashton to shave.
9:00 pm: Heath Ledger just won. Moment of silence on the blog...
9:01 pm: A wonderful speech by Christopher Nolan. And now for a much-needed commercial break.
9:03 pm: I am way more excited for "The Celebrity Apprentice" than I should be. Although, Donald Trump's hair is immensely more frightening in HD.
9:04 pm: OMG is Donald going to sue me? You look mahvelous, honey. Just kiddin'.
9:05 pm: Tom Brokaw looks like a raisin in the sun.
9:06 pm: Forget "Frost/Nixon." As MTV News producer Matt Elias once said, "I want to see Kash/Bush."
9:07 pm: For your "Frost/Nixon" Oscar party requirement, you should serve enough alcohol to black out. And cheeseburgers!
9:08 pm: Best Foreign Language Film goes to "Waltz With Bashir" from Israel. Expect a political message in t-minus 5, 4, 3, 2...
9:09 pm: HA! Colin Farrell has the sniffles thanks to a cold, and "not what it used to be." Addiction is hilarious, kids!
9:10 pm: HD is not kind to Glenn Close.
9:11 pm: Catherine Keener is friends with my best friend, Sweet P. Therefore, I am sort of friends with Catherine Keener, by osmosis.
9:12 pm: Fingers crossed that Shirley MacLaine wins this prize. I love me some bitty.
9:13 pm: Laura Linney wins Best Actress in a Miniseries for "John Adams." And now she has to navigate the labyrinth in order to get to the stage. Hey Hollywood Foreign Press, how 'bout you host the awards in a corn field maze next year?
9:14 pm: Raise your hand if you watch miniseries.
9:15 pm: Now put your hands down if you're over the age of 60.
9:15 pm: I thought so.
9:15 pm: Wow, I'm being especially ageist tonight, aren't I? Sorry, (old) folks!
9:17 pm: A commercial for "The Biggest Loser" has inspired me to put down the banana bread I'm shoving in my mouth. TV changes lives!
9:18 pm: Gerard Butler introduces Best (Comedy) Pic, "In Bruges." And you should start planning a "make your own belgium waffle" station at your Oscar Party.
9:19 pm: Seth Rogen is buff now! But instead of joking about one particular drug that is rumored to make you fat (a la "Pineapple Express") he's now joking about Mickey Rourke and another drug, which supposedly makes you lose weight. Coincidence?
9:22 pm: "Slumdog Millionaire" wins Best Screenplay. And the cast is elated! How old is Dev Patel? He looks 14!
9:23 pm: Alec Baldwin wins Best Actor in a Comedy TV Show for "30 Rock." The table for "Monk" walked out in protest. (Just kidding. But seriously, where did all the "Monk" people go?)
9:24 pm: Alec Baldwin thanked his daughter Ireland for making him laugh when he's at home. What a thoughtless, rude little pig! How dare she make him laugh?!!
9:26 pm: Fun fact: Amy Adams' earrings were inspired by Audrey II from "Little Shop of Horrors." (Not really.)
9:29 pm: Renee Zellwegger was also dressed and styled like a looney old lady. Is Sally Kirkland a stylist these days?
9:30 pm: A clip from "The Reader" shows Kate Winslet bathing a 14 year old. First Brad Pitt hits on a 7 year old, now Kate Winslet is macking on a youngin'. Gary Glitter must be kicking himself that he chose music instead of acting.
9:31 pm: Terrence Howard alert! Here's hoping he sings us a song!! If I were in the room, I would sing a few bars from "Mr. Johnson's Yard" in his honor. (In all honesty, if you haven't heard his ridiculous album, download "Shine Through It" immediately. But empty your bladder first.)
9:33 pm: Paul Giamatti wins Best Actor in a Miniseries for "John Adams." I'm pretty sure he's sauced. God bless the Golden Globes.
9:34 pm: "Ladies and Gentleman, tonight the role of Cloris Leachman will be played by Glenn Close. Thank you."
9:35 pm: Is it just me, men, or is vasectomy humor never, ever funny?
9:37 pm: "30 Rock" wins Best Comedy TV Show. It's official. "30 Rock" has more awards than it does viewers
9:38 pm: Tracy Morgan is accepting because Tina Fey apparently agreed to let him speak for the show if Barack Obama won the presidency. "I am the face of post-racial America! Deal with it, Cate Blanchett!" Expect a ratings spike this week, "30 Rock." If people don't tune in after that amazing acceptance speech, I don't know what will convince people to watch!
9:42 pm: Mira Sorvino won an Oscar. And now she's co-starring in a TV movie of the week with Noah from "Felicity." Upgrade/downgrade?
9:43 pm: "Mamma Mia!" is our next nominee for Best Picture - Comedy or Musical. Easy Oscar menu, folks. Say it with me: Greek Salad with extra feta.
9:45 pm: Kate Beckinsale is presenting "Best Original Score" with P. Diddy. And she does not look happy about it.
9:46 pm: "Slumdog Millionaire" wins and Kate Beckinsale lights up.
9:47 pm: I bet $500 that Diddy will sample A.R. Rahman's acceptance speech for a record.
9:48 pm: David Duchovny just reminded viewers that he is still, in fact, married to Tea Leoni.
9:49 pm: Best Actress in a Comedy TV Series is Tina Fey. Sasha Baron Cohen checked her out as she walked by his table. Sketchy!
9:50 pm: Tina Fey is addressing her internet haters in an acceptance speech. How 2009!
9:51 pm: Commercial time! And thanks to a balcony and a graphic, Tom Hanks looks like a long lost family member on the show "Little People, Big World." Whoops!
9:54 pm: The Cecil B. DeMille Award presentation is coming up. If you need a 20-minute nap, now's a good time.
9:55 pm: But it's going to Steven Spielberg and is being presented by Martin Scorsese! The shortlist of "directors your mom knows by name" is well-represented.
9:57 pm: Years ago I was a voice-over audio engineer. And once I got to record a session with Kurt Loder. Dear voice-over audio engineer who recorded with Martin Scorsese. I know how you feel.
9:58 pm: Let's hear it for Steven Spielberg removing all the lesbian stuff out of "The Color Purple!"
9:59 pm: Velociraptor alert!!
9:59 pm: Not surprisingly, "1941" is not represented in this montage.
10:00 pm: Steven Spielberg directed an episode of "Marcus Welby, M.D.??" There's hope for you, person who directs "Private Practice."
10:02 pm: People who look younger than Drew Barrymore: Kate Capshaw, Rita Wilson, STEVEN SPIELBERG.
10:04 pm: Steven Spielberg really is a master storyteller. He can even make a lifetime achievement award self-indulgent acceptance speech captivating.
10:05 pm: Although, like most Spielberg movies these days, this speech is really falling apart in the third act.
10:08 pm: Spielberg is telling Hollywood to stop making mass-marketed dreck. You got served, "Bride Wars!"
10:13 pm: Dustin Hoffman and Emma Thomson are not as charming as they think they are.
10:14 pm: It's Best Director time, friends! And the Golden Globe goes to Danny Boyle! "Slumdog Millionaire" is sweeping!
10:15 pm: The "Slumdog" table is very happy. And so is Danny Boyle, who can finally be forgiven for "A Life Less Ordinary."
10:16 pm: Does it get any better than Sigourney Weaver?
10:18 pm: "Revolutionary Road," a nominee for Best Motion Picture Drama, is about 1950's suburbia. So what appropriate menu item shall we pick for our Oscar party? I don't know. It's the wife's job to figure that out. (Get it?)
10:20 pm: Colin Farrell won Best Actor in a Musical or Comedy for "In Bruges?!" Obviously, the Hollywood Foreign Press Association consists of one person: Kurt Loder. Also, Zac Efron was robbed.
10:22 pm: Things that are shorter than Colin Farrell's acceptance speech: "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button," "Che," Operation Iraqi Freedom.
10:25 pm: Let's talk about how great Beyonce looks tonight, shall we? Sasha Fierce would be proud.
10:27 pm: Salma Hayek is presenting her two golden globes. I mean, "Vicky Cristina Barcelona."
10:28 pm: Note to Golden Globe producers. "Vicky Cristina Barcelona" takes place in Spain. Salma Hayek is from Mexico. Those are two separate countries, on two separate continents. Just sayin'.
10:29 pm: Sasha Baron Cohen is getting booed for making a joke about Madonna and Guy Ritchie. Know your audience, Sasha! Hollywood is made up of a lot of gay men! Joking about Madonna in Hollywood is like Larry The Cable Guy headlining The Apollo.
10:31 pm: "Vicky Cristina Barcelona" wins Best Motion Picture Comedy or Musical. ("HSM3" was robbed!)
10:33 pm: Some middle-aged dude is snapping a camera phone pic with Zac and Vanessa. And another middle-aged dude is taking a photo with the JoBros. There are going to be a lot of jealous and angry daughters in Hollywood tonight.
10:35 pm: Side note: How effin' good does the new season of "Big Love" look??
10:35 pm: Commerical break question: Who has more annoying hair? The employee in the Best Buy commercial or Guy Fieri? Answer: Drew Barrymore.
10:37 pm: A man with a fabulously sequined necktie is presenting our next nominee for Best Pic: "Slumdog Millionaire." Another easy menu: make dosas for your Oscar party!
10:38 pm: "Slumdog Millionaire" loses points for airing a potential spoiler as its clip.
10:39 pm: Mark Wahlberg is pouting because "Entourage" (or "THE Entourage," as Amy Poehler said earlier) lost to "30 Rock." Hey Marky Mark, be thankful that you're outta the Calvin's and in a tux, k?
10:39 pm: Kate Winslet wins her second Golden Globe for the night?! Holy crap! Poor Anne Hathaway! Yay Kate Winslet!!!
10:41 pm: Kate Winslet apologies to Anne, Meryl, and "the other one," (aka Angelina Jolie) for beating them. This is the first time in 10 years that somebody forgot Angelina Jolie's name.
10:44 pm: Following Winslet's epic acceptance speech, Rainn Wilson jokes, alongside Blake Lively, that they're "TV actors." Rainn Wilson, don't sell yourself short. You were in a Rob Zombie movie once, weren't you? And Blake, you were in that movie about magical pants. And your older sister was "Teen Witch!"
10:45 pm: "Mad Men" wins another Golden Globe for Best TV Drama. I don't know about Best TV Drama, but I do know that Don Draper would certainly win the prize for strongest grip.
10:48 pm: Cute! This Ritz commercial is award-themed! "And the award for best cracker goes to..." Hugh Laurie!
10:50 pm: Fun fact: "ER" is still on.
10:51 pm: Susan Sarandon presents Best Actor in a Motion Picture Drama. Mickey Rourke time!!!
10:52 pm: Yep! Mickey Rourke wins Best Actor. And trips on his way to the stage. How poetic.
10:52 pm: Question: why is Marisa Tomei dressed like a college professor?
10:53 pm: Darren Aronofsky just flipped Mickey Rourke the bird live on television! My eyes! My eyes!!! First Janet's nip, now Darren's scrawny finger. I'm blind!!!!
10:54 pm: Mickey Rourke just thanked Axl Rose. And all his dogs. SINCERELY. This is literally the best acceptance speech EVER.
10:56 pm: If I see Kate Walsh driving a Cadillac one more time...
10:57 pm: Commercial break question: does anyone buy that Peyton and Eli and Serena and Venus actually eat Oreos? Double-Stuf Oreos, no less?!
10:58 pm: Hey NYers, anyone else intrigued by this "Sexcapade Leads To Death" story the local news keeps teasing? You just know the news director at NBC was like "JACKPOT" when that hit the wire.
10:59 pm: Tom Cruise is presenting the Best Picture Drama prize. Where's Suri? And why isn't she with him?
11:00 pm: And the Globe goes to "Slumdog Millionaire!" It's official: "Slumdog Millionaire" is no longer allowed to be called an underdog when talking about the Oscar race. Start learning masala recipes, Oscar party hosts!
11:02 pm: This acceptance speech is a hot mess. This British dude just said the "f" word (he was bleeped, my ears were saved), and Danny Boyle's face is frozen in euphoria behind him. Obscure reference alert: remember when Bruce Willis went to the morgue in "Death Becomes Her" and had to prep the dead body of a man who died while having sex? That is Danny Boyle's face right now. It's creeping me out.
11:04 pm: And that's a wrap! Thanks for playing along with me. If you can't get enough of my live-blogging (hi mom!), I'll be back Tuesday and Wednesday nights live-blogging "American Idol" this season. Now time for me to find out about this fatal sexcapade. (Can't wait to see the NY Post cover tomorrow.)