Gossip writer Janet Charlton is reporting that one of the Bond producers wants Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen to appear in the next 007 adventure.

First, let me be clear, I think there is a better chance of Desmond Llewelyn returning to play Q than for this harebrained idea to come to pass.

Why do I think it’s an insipid idea? Frankly if you have to ask, you and I are never going to have dinner together. The Olsen girls, bless their sweet multi-million dollar hearts, have what I would charitably call “untested acting ability.” I watched “New York Minute” (well I fast-forwarded to the scenes with Andy Richter at least) and let’s just say the ladies would make Denise Richards’ acting turn as Dr. Christmas Jones look like a master class by Vanessa Redgrave (now there’s an idea for a Bond girl!).

For some reason, Bond flicks always get the strangest rumors bandied about. Here are a few ideas for the next one that I would venture are slightly worse than casting former stars of “Full House” (somewhere Dave Coulier’s ears perked up)…

- Love the twins idea for Bond girls. Casting a young duo? I’m open to this too. Here’s the only pair that could top the Olsens: Prussian Blue! Remember these adorable rapscallions? They’re the blondies who like to sing and hate and hate and sing.

They make bigotry postiviely scrumptuous!

- Why not just re-cast 007 with one of the rumored contenders from a few years back? So what if everyone fell for Daniel Craig? We can do better! How about “General Hospital”’s Ingo Rademacher (my all-time favorite absurd supposed Bond also-ran).

- “Casino Royale” was great and all, but you know what would have been better? More time spent playing poker! There were moments in the film where I felt like I was back on my couch on a Saturday afternoon listening to Gabe Kaplan talk through a heads-up tournament of some sort. So we’re kind of poker-ed out. How to top it? Two words! Sudoku Tournament!

-You know what’s fun? Celebrity cameos! Cast every former James Bond in a fun role. Connery is clearly James, Sr. Roger Moore can be M (thanks for playing, Dame Judi, go make another “Riddick” movie). Pierce Brosnan can be James’ snooty older brother. And Timothy Dalton? Um…he can sing the opening song?

- Speaking of the song. I’ve got one high concept idea for you, Bond producers. Kill a couple birds with one stone. Pussycat Dolls! It’s one-stop shopping. You get your song and a gaggle of Bond girls to sprinkle through the flick.

How about it folks. How would you like to see the next Bond flick ruined?